This is the final of my singles series and in this video I look at what the relationship should look like before marriage. so what you should do and shouldn’t do during the talking stage. At what point do parents and mentors come in? what should dating look like as a christian? At what point do you make it exclusive, the dos and don’ts of the courtship stage and I finish it off with what God expects from a Christian marriage. So if you are single, at the talking stage, you’re courting and preparing for marriage or even married,grab your pen and your notebook because this video is for you!

Hi I’m Bekah welcome to me channel if you are new here please subscribe I share practical tips on how to grow in your relationship with God. So if this is something you are interested in then this is the page for you.

I mentioned that October is my anniversary month and so I have been doing a 4 part series for the singles! So far I have covered: The importance of praying for your prince charming or lady charming and also being a prince charming or lady charming. I have also looked at things that you should and shouldn’t do in your single season and I have also covered how to choose a partner as a Christian so the non-negotiables when deciding who to marry. I want to finish this series with what the journey to marriage should look like.

There are 3 stages to marriage, the talking stage, the courtship stage and then marriage. I want us to look at each stage and what it should ideally look like.

The talking stage:

This is the decision stage. So you’ve met someone and you are attracted to them, you want to be with them. Do not do the following things:
– Don’t make it exclusive
– Don’t put a label on it
– Don’t go on dates alone with the person
– Do not declare your love for the person!

The mistake we often make is we are too quick to go from hello to I love you! The talking stage is where you are making the decision whether the person is the right person for you. Yes they may tick certain boxes but what about all the other things I spoke about in my last video? You need to assess their maturity, their relationship with God, how they relate with other people, you need to assess if the faith connection is there, it there a purpose alignment, is there a temperament connection, are there any cultural difference that could potentially be a problem? At this stage you observe quietly and prayerfully. There is a beautiful example in the Bible of when Abraham’s servant was looking for a wife for Isaac in Genesis 24. The whole of chapter 24 is a really good example of courtship so I will encourage you to read it for yourself. My husband did a teaching on it and it has really stuck with me. The first thing the servant did was to pray for God to guide him in verse 12. The Bible says even before he finished praying Rebekah showed up! May that be your testimony in Jesus name! so the servant asks Rebekah for a drink and she says sure I will give you a drink and I will also give all your camels water to drink. So she goes above and beyond because Rebekah’s are extra like that praise God! But this is the verse I want us to pay attention to verse 21 Without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the LORD had made his journey successful. The key word is without saying a word! The talking stage is the quietly watching closely to discern if this is the right person. It’s not a stage So what should you do?

– Bring the person in your friendship circle. At this stage you want to build a friendship with the person. I’m not talking about the bestie exclusive kind of friendship. Bring them in your group of friends.
– Bring them within certain social settings. Invite them and some friends to your church Bible study and quietly observe how they are in that setting. Are they bored, do they seem uninterested, what’s their contribution like, are they contributing at all
– Invite them and some friends to a prayer meeting. Do they seem disconnected?
– Invite them and a few friends out to the cinema, go bowling as a group and quietly observe how they behave.
– Invite them home with some friends to your parents ask your mum and dad to quietly observe them, at this point you can also engage your parent on any potential cultural issues about the person’s culture.
– Bring them around your spiritual mentor let them also observe them quietly and give you their view.
– If you have the opportunity be around their friends and family and see how they behave around them.
– How do they behave when they are angry? What are weaknesses in their character that you have identified and are these weakness you can live with?
– Are the able to sustain conversations about the things of God or are they quick to want to change the subject.

Then with the guidance of your parents, your mentor and your own observation you prayerfully make the decision if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you fail to do this and you rush straight from hello to boyfriend girlfriend. It blinds your judgement because feelings are now involved. Then a year or 2 later you realised the person is not right for you, you break up you go through heart breaks by the time you marry you have had 4 or 5 of these relationships and it has now damaged you as person and you are entering the marriage with so much brokenness which can cause a lot of problems in your marriage. So protect yourself by observing quietly. Don’t do things a lone with the person to communicate exclusivity to them so when you are involving them in things ensure to include other people. Don’t give them specila treamtments treat them as you would any of your friens.

– So the second stage after deciding that this is the right person is the courtship stage. The courtship stage is for people who have agreed to get marriage and are on the journey towards it. It’s not let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend and see what happens. This is the stage where you make your intentions known to the person. When we go back to the Rebekah story it was the man who came to her and said I want to meet your family. So this is the stage where exclusivity begins. The courtship stage should not be a secret. The first thing you should do after deciding this is the person I want to marry is introduce them officially to your parents, your spiritual mentor and start pre marital counselling. You should not wait to start pre-marital counselling 3 months or so before your wedding. It should start as soon as possible. Pre-marital counselling is to help you understand marriage and what going on this journey of marriage with this person will look like. It’s important that you do this before confirming dates and booking venues. The courtship stage is to prepare you for the wedding but also for the marriage.
– You should set boundaries. So at this stage if you are talking to other people you need to set boundaries because you are now committed to someone
– You can go on dates alone at this stage but do it wisely don’t put yourself in an enclosed place where you will be easily tempted.
– Pray together towards your marriage
– Do Bible studies together
– Read books together and discuss it. Build a strong foundation for your marriage
– At this stage you need to talk about past relationships and every secret you have. So total transparency with each other.
– So talk about any debts you have, financial commitments you have maybe you are paying your sister’s school fees and what that will look like after marriage.
– Talk about future plans and ambitions. Be totally transparent with each other

Things that you shouldn’t do in the courtship stage:
– Do not court for a long period of time. You should only enter courtship when you are ready to get married. The courtship period should not be more than 2 years. Even 2 years is along time. So if you are not ready for marriage then you keep them at the talking stage as friends.
– Do not compromise on purity. As Christians we believe in abstinence until marriage. Joseph was engaged to Mary but they didn’t know each other in a sexual way. Don’t say we are preparing to get married anyway so let’s sleep together or move in together.
– Don’t make any financial commitment to each other. Don’t buy a house together, don’t start a savings account together. You can do all of that after marriage
– Do not give each other spousal privileges. Like you are going to his house and cooking for him, and cleaning for him. You will have time to do all of that when you get married. Marriage starts on your wedding day and not before.
So that is the courtship stage. And the final stage is marriage

At this stage you would have heard a lot about marriage, read a lot of books, listen to a lot advice about other people’s marriages and now you are going to learn to prayerfully tailor marriage to your spouse. You must learn how to be your woman’s husband and vice versa. You are not trying to be the husband that your father is to your mother but the husband that your wife needs. And you have to do this based on the foundation of God’s word. Ephesians 5 lists out what God expects from you as a husband and as a wife.

For the wife God expects you to submit to your husband as unto the Lord you do this by respecting his authority as the head of your home. And to the husband God expects you to selflessly love your wife as christ loves the church. And to build her up and make her a better version than what you married. This is what God expects from us in marriage so it’s important you marry someone you can be a godly spouse to and someone who can also be a godly spouse to you. You have not married before so you are both learning to do this so you need to be humble and gracious with each other as you learn together. The goal of your marriage is not for your individual happiness but to serve as a witness to God and to ultimately give glory to God and so it should not be entered into lightly.

So yes here are the 3 stages in the journey to marriage, I hope you’ve found this whole series useful. One of these days I might do a live on Instagram so we can hang out and I can take any questions you have on any of these topics. So if you are not following me on Instagram headover there and let’s be friends there too! Don’t forget to subscribe and share this video with someone.